Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
