Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake