i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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