She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
