The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
