Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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