I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches