i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
