i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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