You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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