Did you just see the Batmobile???
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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