people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
