is your mom at the bar?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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