My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
