What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
