I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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