i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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