Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
