Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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