i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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