She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
