yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
