Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
