Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
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