8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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