On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
