im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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