The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
