the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
