I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
