they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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