Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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