Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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