You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
