I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
