I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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