tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
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As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
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Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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