Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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