He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
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I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
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I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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