Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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