The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
