Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
