??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
