my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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