So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
