I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
