i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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