It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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