Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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