tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
