I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
