then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
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It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
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There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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