I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You're a waste of cheezeits
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
